Thursday, January 1, 2009


I have a lot of topics to discuss today so this one will be "Untitled." I had Christmas Eve with my parents and Rudy. We had plans to leave that night for South Carolina so we decided to open gifts on Christmas Eve instead of after we got back. I got everything I wanted but the entire time I felt if something were missing. My brother was missing from the wrapping paper, music, laughter, and food. I sit on the floor in a new room of a new house and wonder what it would be like if Christopher was here. Would he be happy? Would he be in jail? Would we be at the jail visiting him? Would he be have wanted to go to rehab and be in the process of changing his life? I will never know those answers so I think that where is he right now and on Christmas Eve is exactly where he wants to be. I think he is looking down on me while I open Wii Fit making jokes about my big butt. I believe he is looking down on my father while he opens a picture of the two them thinking, "He loved me." He looks down on my mother wishing that she find relief from the emotional pain she goes through on a constant basis.

We got to South Carolina after midnight and went directly to bed. The next morning we went to Ceal's apartment to watch the girls open Santa Claus' gifts. I sat there in their apartment remembering when I had Santa Claus. I immediately decided that Christopher and I were beyond spoiled. I also remembered how life was so easy then. The worst that could have happened was not having batteries for a new toy. I look back and ask myself, "Did I cherish him?" As a child with a sibling you do not think the worst, ever. I look at Grace and Audrey and pray for their relationship to be amazing and they rely on each other for everything. It is so hard for me to watch siblings of any age and not feel pain. They have each other but I still have a brother and will forever although he is not here physically.

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