Thursday, May 28, 2009

Christopher's 22nd Birthday

My brother turns 22 today and he is not here to celebrate. There are many people celebrating their birthdays today all over the world, but Christopher is celebrating in a better place. Balloons, cakes, gifts: none of these things can compare to what he is experiencing without his family and friends. My mom has been on the defense for a couple of weeks, and I do not know what to say to her. I will never feel what she feels on this day, but I try to be as positive as possible. He never really liked birthday cake, he rarely ate his own cake. This day last year he celebrated his 21st birthday at TGIFriday's with my parents and a couple of friends. I was not there (I had planned to come that Saturday), and now I imagine how happy he was that night. My parents told me he ordered his first drink (LIT) and had to stand on a chair while the servers sang, "Happy Birthday." He celebrated later that night with friends, my dad said, "It was a good day for him." I would never have thought he would be gone three days later, and never hear "Happy Birthday" again. Today, I say "Happy Birthday" to my brother who I miss everyday, but believe is in Heaven smiling down on us each day.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I share some of my thoughts with you about my brother:

Why did you go?
Must have been a reason,
Why did you go without warning?
There had to have been a reason.
Why did I not hear your calls for help?
There was probably a reason.
Maybe you did not call for help.
Why did you go?
Was the world closing in on you?
Why did you go out without warning?
Did you not want to be stopped?
Why did I not hear your calls for help?
Because now, I try to hear your relief that you send my way.

It is obvious that I wonder why. I tell myself that he is much safer and lives in a sense of relief now than when he walked with us on Earth. I miss his steps everyday and I search for a "sign" that Christopher is safe.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It has been awhile

I have been so busy that I have not had time to write. I have been writing (13 papers among other assignments) just not what I want to write. This makes me sad because letting out my thoughts relieves stress. It is midterm in my first semester of graduate school; I am loving every second of it. My grades are good so far, and my last midterm is next week. All I do is school work, but I am ok with this because the reward is going to be amazing. I observed in the schools this semester, and was touched by so many young people. Each one of them taught me something that I will take into my own classroom. "Second grade or lower," thats what I always told myself, but things have changed. Third graders are full of life, energy, and a desire to learn. You can have conversations with them and truly get to know them as people. I am trying to lose my fear of older children, because as a teacher you can do a lot more "thinking" projects with the older ones. It is such a beautiful thing to watch a child think, re-think, and finally come to a conclusion. I guess that is enough about school; Rudy and my parents are doing well. Rudy and I are trying to save money which is tough since I am in school, and not able to work full time. Living on my own has truly shown me how much life costs; everything from toothpaste to dog food. The little things that are a must, but you hate to buy will add up. My big thing is eating out; I love to eat out and relax. This is expensive; I have learned cooking can be relaxing as well. Not to mention, going to the store and getting the ingredients ready with my wonderful husband brings us closer. As busy as I am with school, marriage and work I never forget my brother. He is constantly on my mind, and I hope to touch lives that are going through similiar problems. What would he being today? I can not help but ask myself questions and answer with responses that would probably be false if he were still alive. All I can say is do not take advantage of your loved ones, and LISTEN to them.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

So Busy!

I am so busy with school and work. I am loving school and to be honest work is not horrible. The people I work with make me laugh and I make pretty good money. I basically work three doubles a week and hopefully bring home more than three hundred dollars which is awesome for me. I have worked in part time retail while in school and a two week paycheck would be less than hundred dollars. We went to South Carolina this past weekend to help Rudy's dad move out of his apartment. They have a ton of stuff and Bill did not throw anything away the entire weekend. I moved so many times in Auburn and my trash piles were as tall as me and I if I had not done that there would be not be any room in our current apartment. Rudy's mom, Carmen, had to fly to Spain early due to her mom having a stroke. As soon as Carmen arrived her mother starting making improvements which is wonderful for their family. We got back to Birmingham on Sunday and that was a long day to say the least. After unloading a new couch and two new bookshelves we drove to Tarrant to take a futon and the old bookshelves to Rudy's co-worker, Sylvio. It does not end there. The U-Haul had to be returned and Rudy did an excellent job of backing it into a parking place but he could not get it off the hitch. He worked with it for over five minutes while this older man parked his and unhitched it in less than two minutes. As we stand there still working with the stubborn U-Haul this nice man gets out of his car and comes over to help. He gives Rudy a mental high five by letting him know he has done everything right and then within a second pops the U-Haul right off the hitch. I laugh and Rudy says, "Oh man" and the nice man is gone with a good deed under his belt. Later that evening Rudy says out loud, "I knew the man was going to help because he has inner beauty." We are watching this new show titled, "Inner Beauty" so Rudy and I keep an out for inner beauty. On that show the contestants are very attractive but must prove their inner beauty and each week Rudy and I ask each other would I do that? Would I give my sit up for an elderly person, would I help a lost child find their parent, would I help someone up from a bike crash? Yes, I know I would and if it was a dangerous situation I would call for help. The contestants definitely do not pass all of their tests and it makes me very sad that there are such self centered people out there. Just so you know I am not perfect and may be selfish sometimes as well. But you know you got to pamper yourself every once in a while.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


I have a lot of topics to discuss today so this one will be "Untitled." I had Christmas Eve with my parents and Rudy. We had plans to leave that night for South Carolina so we decided to open gifts on Christmas Eve instead of after we got back. I got everything I wanted but the entire time I felt if something were missing. My brother was missing from the wrapping paper, music, laughter, and food. I sit on the floor in a new room of a new house and wonder what it would be like if Christopher was here. Would he be happy? Would he be in jail? Would we be at the jail visiting him? Would he be have wanted to go to rehab and be in the process of changing his life? I will never know those answers so I think that where is he right now and on Christmas Eve is exactly where he wants to be. I think he is looking down on me while I open Wii Fit making jokes about my big butt. I believe he is looking down on my father while he opens a picture of the two them thinking, "He loved me." He looks down on my mother wishing that she find relief from the emotional pain she goes through on a constant basis.

We got to South Carolina after midnight and went directly to bed. The next morning we went to Ceal's apartment to watch the girls open Santa Claus' gifts. I sat there in their apartment remembering when I had Santa Claus. I immediately decided that Christopher and I were beyond spoiled. I also remembered how life was so easy then. The worst that could have happened was not having batteries for a new toy. I look back and ask myself, "Did I cherish him?" As a child with a sibling you do not think the worst, ever. I look at Grace and Audrey and pray for their relationship to be amazing and they rely on each other for everything. It is so hard for me to watch siblings of any age and not feel pain. They have each other but I still have a brother and will forever although he is not here physically.