I share some of my thoughts with you about my brother:

Why did you go?
Must have been a reason,
Why did you go without warning?
There had to have been a reason.
Why did I not hear your calls for help?
There was probably a reason.
Maybe you did not call for help.
Why did you go?
Was the world closing in on you?
Why did you go out without warning?
Did you not want to be stopped?
Why did I not hear your calls for help?
Because now, I try to hear your relief that you send my way.

It is obvious that I wonder why. I tell myself that he is much safer and lives in a sense of relief now than when he walked with us on Earth. I miss his steps everyday and I search for a "sign" that Christopher is safe.

It has been awhile

I have been so busy that I have not had time to write. I have been writing (13 papers among other assignments) just not what I want to write. This makes me sad because letting out my thoughts relieves stress. It is midterm in my first semester of graduate school; I am loving every second of it. My grades are good so far, and my last midterm is next week. All I do is school work, but I am ok with this because the reward is going to be amazing. I observed in the schools this semester, and was touched by so many young people. Each one of them taught me something that I will take into my own classroom. "Second grade or lower," thats what I always told myself, but things have changed. Third graders are full of life, energy, and a desire to learn. You can have conversations with them and truly get to know them as people. I am trying to lose my fear of older children, because as a teacher you can do a lot more "thinking" projects with the older ones. It is such a beautiful thing to watch a child think, re-think, and finally come to a conclusion. I guess that is enough about school; Rudy and my parents are doing well. Rudy and I are trying to save money which is tough since I am in school, and not able to work full time. Living on my own has truly shown me how much life costs; everything from toothpaste to dog food. The little things that are a must, but you hate to buy will add up. My big thing is eating out; I love to eat out and relax. This is expensive; I have learned cooking can be relaxing as well. Not to mention, going to the store and getting the ingredients ready with my wonderful husband brings us closer. As busy as I am with school, marriage and work I never forget my brother. He is constantly on my mind, and I hope to touch lives that are going through similiar problems. What would he being today? I can not help but ask myself questions and answer with responses that would probably be false if he were still alive. All I can say is do not take advantage of your loved ones, and LISTEN to them.